Becoming New

A lot of people change their behavior around the New Year...or so they try. I'll be the first to say New Year's Resolutions have not been something I've mastered. But for once, I'm really trying.

Over the last few months, I've had to get real with who I am and who I am trying to be. People will say: "you are who you are!" I don't agree. I believe everyone has the power to change and improve for the better, especially if they're not liking what their experiencing. I won't go into detail about all of my changes, but one of them is moving in silence.  This one thing was something I did not regularly due, and I believe that it caused a lot of missed opportunities.

I've always been the type of girl who gets very happy and so excited that, I just have to tell someone! We are human...we always want others to share in our happiness. We think our joy is theirs and vice versa, but it is not.  Sometimes, when we share our successes with others, they're not rooting for us, but quietly waiting with a dagger in hand.  The more literal translation or an example of this is telling a "friend " about a business venture and them stealing the idea before you could even act. This didn't happen to me, but that was the closest thing I could think of.

Also, when I think about reactions I've had to events in my love life, I think I could've done better. No, that doesn't mean I shouldn't have felt what I felt, because I was certainly justified...but maybe, I could have used a journal rather than putting my douchebag dudes on front street.  I'm continuously learning that the best revenge moves silently. The best revenge is doing you, head high, heels hitting the pavement, continuing the slay and excel. It is not your duty to make them regret; time is the great equalizer.

I had to get real about why I was angry, shocked, and appalled when dumb shit happened. The real: I'm a jaded woman. Experiences, people, and relationships contributed to my demeanor and how I handled things.  I had to step outside of my victimized self, and stop waiting for the moment I was going to have to initiate the block when the blows from the hardships of failed courtships came. I had to be honest and realize that I had been carrying some bags around with me, that were filled with bricks. Carrying those heavy bags made me tired and irritable.  Adopting an attitude of "You ain't gonna do this to me!" was the way I defended myself.

But after countless conversations with God (that surely didn't start this year, I know HIM), my grandmother, and spiritual teacher, I think I ready to put those bags down, open my hands from those tight fists, and be who I am meant to be. That person is happy, she is successful, she is beautiful. She receives abundance and blessings. She trusts herself. She deserves love and by gum, she's going to get it!

I realize that this post may not have a central theme but I thought it was important to share with my readers that every day we can become new. Everyday we become who we want to be. It's not always easy, but it can be done.

Breaking Camp: When a Black Woman is Fed Up

Last night, I watched the premier of To Rome With Love, the new series on Bravo that follows black women on a quest for love in Italy.

Yes Italy!

As I watched and listened to the stories of each of the women, (don't ask me to write their names because I can't remember),  there were a few common themes: infidelity by their husbands which lead to divorce, abusive relationships, or having so many unfavorable experiences that the women became jaded and lost hope on finding romance.  I also noticed another theme: these black women had been married to or had these experiences with black men.  Hence, why they were in Italy trying something new.

Now before anyone thinks I'm going to be the angry black woman and attack black men, I'm gonna tell you that I am a little bitter, which might make me a bit critical. So, if you find yourself uncomfortable with what I am about to say, then you know how to find  another blog. Just saying.

I normally do not watch reality tv because of the awful representations of black women, but this one caught my eye because it touched on a real issue: it is often hard for black women in America to find and keep a compatible mate. Sure, there is a "lack" of black men just due to us outnumbering them, but in my experience, I just haven't always had the best experiences with them when it comes to relationships.  I have experienced the same exact things each of the women talked about, but the main thing has been the lack of men that want to settle down. 
I related to many of the women who were jaded because I recently cut ties with someone I had given some of my teens, twenties, and regretfully the first two years of my thirties, to.  I won't lie, I waited for this man to commit knowing damn well he never would...but would just keep doing enough to keep me hanging on.  Now, someone may look at that situation and say "Girl, that's all your fault, " and I respectfully, partially, accept that.  However, if someone is straight up with you from day one saying they want to be your A-1, and you knew they could only ever be Great Value steak sauce, why wouldn't you just leave them alone?

But this post is not about playing second fiddle, it's about what happens when black women get tired.  We break camp and date across our race.... and for some weird ass reason, we get ridiculed for it.  Meghan Markle, Serena Williams, Paula Patton, Zoe Saldana, Halle Berry and countless others.  I don't know all of their backstories with black men but I can bet if we sat down in room together, we might have something to bond over. I, too, have dated outside my race and been approached by men of other ethnicities, and while I have to say I am still partial to chocolate, I had been treated differently by these men, I never felt worried that they were going to size up my best friend, they were playing me and other women, or that I wasn't attractive enough.  To be honest, had the cultural barrier been overcome in some cases, I could've seen myself in lasting relationships with some of them. 

 Why is it that black women are not allowed to ask black men to do better for us and with us? Our concerns are cast aside... a lot of times because there is a woman of another ethnicity waiting in the wings, to put up with what we won't.  I say, if that's the way it is, so be it...and we need to get ours too. But damn me and my sweet tooth, and my love of chocolate in all shades! I suppose that's why I have cavities...maybe I've had enough.

I don't know if I could ever truly give up on my brothas, but I really wish they would do right by me. Le Sigh.

Ancestry DN-Heyyyy! For Real???

So I finally broke down and took the Ancestry DNA test.

And I found out that no part of this brown body is Native American, about 18% of this body is British (Britain, Ireland, Scotland and Wales), 76% of this body is of the Motherland (Africa, duh), and sporadic portions of me belong to Germany, Asia, Italy, and Greece.

Most of this lines up with stuff I was told as a kid by my parents, who always informed me I was a bit mixed in some ways, though they always put strong emphasis on "being proud to be black." I always was but I was curious too.  It has been a roller coaster ride each day, discovering cousins, many of whom are White as the driven snow popping up in my tree. My most monumental finding was definitive proof that my 3rd great grandfather was a slave who was fathered by someone in his owner's family, as that family matched "very high" with my dna.

I am still waiting to solve some other mysteries, like the one of my maternal great grandad who has remained an elusive figure in our family.  It is also, so strange to see people who share no common last names with you popping up as 2nd, 3rd, and 4th cousins.  The only thing we have in common is the color of our skin.  I ponder over these relationships and realize that through them, I see my ancestors; our kinship more often than not is the result of families being separated during slavery...some who's names were changed when they were sold to new masters and bonds broken when they were forced to start new families.

I have also been taken aback by the kindness of a few of my White cousins.  One even messaged me and said "Hi Cousin!" Others, whom I messaged when finding the connection, still haven't responded...maybe they are busy, maybe they don't want to know.

Either way, knowing exactly what I am and who I am,  has really enlightened me. Through this test, I validated my reasons for loving Irish bands, speaking with British accents, connecting heavily with Yaa Gyasi's book The Homegoing, and so much more.  I can't wait to see what else I find along this journey and who else I will meet!

Comfort When You're Uncomfortable

Reflecting back on my 2017, I think the theme would be: Finding Comfort When You're Uncomfortable.

This phrase has applied to various of my life; socially, mentally, physically...at work, in public, in love, and more.  Things have not always been so comfortable and I have found myself being forced out of my comfort zone many times.  In my new role at work, I have had to find my way and it's been a trial and error process.  In the social world, I've had to suck it up and go to events by myself and actually talk to folks. In love...well we're still figuring that out.

I have come to this place of knowing that yes, things are going to be a little scary, a little awkward, and a bit frustrating, but in the end it'll all turn out fine. You really do have to ask yourself: 1) What's the worst that can happen? And 2) Why do I feel unsure? Do I have any solid proof that this isn't going to work?

Better yet, don't ask yourself anything if you can.  That can cause a whole new world of discomfort.  The mind, though familiar, can be confining and like a prison cell when we spend too much time there.  Instead, jump right in and just experience all the things that life has to offer.

Here's to a comfortable 2018.

Somebody Loves You When You're 32: Hint: It's You

It's my birthday.

I'm not hopping around twerking, saying, "Ay!" In fact, I'm just sitting here looking at my dirty room and going "Eh."  I sort of did something special last night: a few friends and I went to a bar, but one  by one they started to peel off from being tired, we didn't even make it till 1 am. I wasn't mad. I just recognized that none of us are the people we once were.  The energy level, the liver capacity, and the ability to withstand smelling pee and body odor for long periods of time is gone.

And I'm 32.  Not old, not super young but just at that point where I'm like "Ok, it is nice to see another year, but it's also another day."  I thought I wanted a full on celebration, so I tried to plan it and everyone was like "Sorry I can't come," "Sorry I have my kids," (and I'm thinking what are those?).  I also for some reason thought I'd actually have a man for my 32nd, an apartment, and I'd be super glamorous.

Yes I am laughing too!

As frustrating as it was to not have this imaginary, fully festive,birthday, I am happy that I can always find the small things be grateful for.  I had some friends who tried to hang which means people like me, I have health and strength, I had clean clothes.  And I realized I'm hella old to expect a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese (though if someone suggested it, and planned it I would have been on board because the pizza is to die for).  I didn't get many gifts, which was not a big deal at all because I realized I've been getting big and great gifts all this year:

A sense of self: I actually know who I am and what I am capable of.
A sense of confidence: Over the last year, I have learned that I can hold my own even in crowded rooms and that there's nothing to be afraid of.
A sense of beauty: I have like 7 beauty marks on my body, freckles, I'm thick in the hips, and have skin the color of coffee with

a dash of cream.  And I have a killer smile with a personality...er um...killer as in nice, to match!
A sense of accomplishment: I'm a black woman with 2 degrees and a decent job. I'm smart and doing it!

And the most important thing of all: A strong family foundation that has pushed me do better and know all of the aforementioned things.  Did I also mention that God created me and is responsible for all of that? Yeah HE is!

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that birthdays are great and what you make them.  The important thing is that you recognize all the gifts you have been given year round and the progress you've made each year.  You don't need a party to do that.  You just need to do it!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Career Change...and everything

So here I am behind on posting again...but I have a good excuse!

I recently was promoted at my day job to position where I am actually using my degree. I am so excited because I have been waiting to find something that fits with all them humanities degrees I have, and I never thought it would happen in my hometown.  However, with a new job of course comes tons of new responsibilities, and lots of brain power usage...so much so, that I have kinda taken a back seat on my blog(s).  But here I am making an attempt!

Anyways...

I said all that to say that over the course of all the changes that are happening, I have been slightly self reflecting (even more so than usual), about the course of my life, how I want to live, what I want to exude, and confidence.  Before taking this job, I was kinda sloshing through life. I noticed I wasn't taking care of myself like I should: I wasn't taking time to even match my clothes, do much with my hair, eating right (and I should because I am a fitness instructor part time). I also was quiet, often times afraid to speak my ideas in meetings and in public for fear of being shot down, and part of that was due to some previous experiences I have had.  However, being tasked with new responsibilities that sometimes has me sit down with corporate officers, I've kinda had to change all that. I can no longer be sloshing through, wrinkly, quiet and meek, because my job has a lot to do with speaking and changing things.

A career change, can signal that a lot of things could use a change. Here are some things I've been doing.

It may seem like some small feat to everyone else, but one my biggest confidence game changers has been wearing makeup. I've always had some in my arsenal and used to sell Mary Kay (unsuccessfully ) but I didn't wear it often. Now in a position as some what of leader, I try to make it a point to get up early enough to do a nice and natural look. Even if I don't wear lipstick, I make sure I have shadow or eyeliner on and I stick with my power and comfort colors which are gold and purple.  For lips, I usually will do a a pink or red, the latter being my fave.  When I feel pretty, I have little bit more pep in my step.

Another thing I do now is try to coordinate my outfits on laundry day. As soon as those close are fresh out the dryer, I take my hangers and get to work mixing and matching. A lot of people think they have to go out and buy a completely new wardrobe but that really isn't necessary. The key to looking put together is just to put together stuff already in your closet. Sometimes I will even look on fashion blogs, or google "professional clothes" to see if I already have something similar and then I roll with it. One of the keys to living like a bawse, is to feel comfortable ( noticing a pattern here?).

As far as hair goes, I've learned how to do crochet braids, which have been a lifesaver for me. I no longer have to pay salon prices or wait for an appointment. Also, when you're doing A lot, it's nice to have a functional, protective style.

Finances have been hard for me, but I've been finding apps like Qqapital to be helpful in staying on top of them. I also have developed a budget plan that will help me see my dreams come true faster and eliminate some of this unwanted debt!

To stay on top of my priorities, I've succumbed to using a planner and my phone calendar. I say succumbed because I am not the most organized person and have always had trouble using planners. Well...I guess I should say that I didn't like using them. But now, I have to because much of my work relies on project and strategic management. It's not so bad once you get into the routine. For me, the calendar has become a life line. When your boss asks where you're at with a certain project, it's good to have a reference point, especially if you're working on several things at once.

I've also been making sure that I get out there. I go to networking events, parties when I'm invited. Before, I'd hang in the background or just flat out wouldn't show up. Nowadays I'm operating by a "closed mouths don't get fed" attitude as I'm learning that the only way to get ahead is to make sure people know who you are.

All these changes, whether big or small, are helping me to feel more confident in life and where I'm going. Sometimes, you just have to sit back and take stock of where you are and where you want to be. You don't have to wait for a career change to do that, or any change. You just have to... change.

Black and Bougie...or Not...or Maybe

If I could count the number of times someone called me bougie, I 'd be out of fingers, I'd have over a million dollars, and I'd be the poster child for bougieness. 

I like a lot of things rich people like...well I guess. I like operas, plays, wine tasting. I prefer men in suits over men rocking sagging pants. And yes, I might be looking for a dude with a college degree.
Where do I want to vacation? Spain, Paris, basically anywhere in Europe...and I want a suite in a four star hotel, with a balcony overlooking the city. 

And to a lot of people, that is bougie as hell. 

Which is so concerning to me because...I'm poor as hell! But because my mom wanted better for me, and broke her back to make sure I had experiences outside of the hood, I was labeled the bougie one...

The Goody Two Shoes.
The "White Girl".

I think the first time I experienced someone mistaking me for bougie was around 7th grade, when a boy I liked asked me if I "went to a Catholic school," (I didn't).  That same year during summer break, my best friend, whom I used to sing with all the time told me "You sing like a white girl," when my tone became rounder after I began classical voice lessons at my creative and performing arts school. 

It didn't stop there: when I suggested a date at museum, my man crush said "You hella bougie, but I like that."  When I didn't go outside to smoke weed with my ex-boyfriend, I was told I "needed to stop acting bougie," around his family. I didn't understand; I didn't smoke weed and I just didn't want to.

While bougie is defined as "Aspiring to be a higher class than one is. Derived from bourgeois - meaning middle/upper class, traditionally despised by communists.," by the Urban Dictionary, it is actually synonymous with acting white, in the black community.   When you act "bougie", you are acting like you aren't black (whatever that means).  By  being perceived as acting or behaving "better," you are forgetting that you are Black, where you came from, and the struggles that your ancestors came from.

You're not Black enough.

Being categorized as such, perplexes me.  Since when did being cultured be interchangeable with being white? Why is wanting to achieve more than what is expected looked down upon? Isn't that what our ancestors fought and in some cases died for? I feel as long as you are attached to your people, and are giving back, there should be nothing wrong. 

I still shudder at the utterance of the word when it is mentioned to me or about me. I get upset when black people describe themselves as such, but I no longer let it define me.  I know who and what I am, what I came from, and what I am not.