The Thick Girl Sees the Light

For most my life, I have been thick. If being thick sounds strange to you then let me just say it is the happy medium between thin and fat; that is you are full figured in all the "right" places.  

When you are a thick girl in the black community, you get mad props from guys and skinnier girls who didn't "get it from their mama" might hate but they aspire to be thick like you.  You look great in everything from a pair of jeans to a dress, due to the fact that you can fill it out and you have curves and you become the subject de amor of rappers. In short being thick is great.

I was thick until 2005 when I walked into my doctors office for my annual physical and he told me I weighed 205 lbs.  That was a startling change from when I had last weighed myself, which to be honest maybe was two years prior to that.  Then I was a thick yet petite 135 lbs which looked awesome on my 5ft 3 in frame even though BMI says I should have weighed 10 lbs less. My doctor, always good natured and confident that I would lose the weight, simply told me that I needed to get into some exercise and watch what I ate. I agreed, but didn't heed his advice until I was almost 220 lbs within two years.

The strangest thing was that I had never even thought anything of it.  Yes I realized that my clothes were getting snugger, my sizes were increasing, and that I didn't walk as fast as I used to. Still, I was ok with what I perceived in the mirror, I was still thick right? Full figured, plus sized, nothing wrong with that. There was nothing wrong until neighbors started to tell me that I had become "healthy" which was a nice way of saying I was fat and when my boyfriend of six years told me that I could stand to lose a few pounds.

I was no longer thick, I was fat and I began to feel every inch of it from standing next to thinner friends who I used to share clothes with to almost taking up a seat and a half on the bus. At 25, people began to think I was much older. I began to suffer from severe depression, sleepless nights, and my hair began thinning and falling out...mostly due to the stress and being unhappy.  But there was something else: I had been diagnosed with a thyroid disorder and high blood pressure which contributed even more to weight gain. The doctor was adamant this time: lose weight or be on medicine and possibly have to get your thyroid removed.

I knew I needed to do something and that I would never lose weight if I trusted myself to exercise at  home. So in 2011, I joined a gym and discovered Zumba. While I lost about 30 lbs, I kept yo-yoing because I didn't add the one element that is most needed: a healthy diet.  Finally in 2013, I adapted a healthy diet and regular exercise plan which includes Zumba, Yoga, and Weight lifting to reach my goal of 170 lbs by my 29th birthday this year. In changing my eating and exercise habits, I have noticed that my hair is growing back very thick and healthy, I have more energy, I sleep better and I have a more positive outlook on life. I am also now saving up to become a Zumba instructor so I can impact someone else's life.

I should mention that my goal is not to be skinny, it is to be healthy and you can be healthy and thick. Right now, 58% of African-American women are obese and we have higher death rates than Caucasian women due to illnesses such as heart disease, breast cancer, and hypertension.  This is a serious problem that can be fixed if we are educated about managing our weight, and eating right.

I'm still not where I want to be physically but I know that as long as a I stick to the plan I will get that thick, healthy, and beautiful body back very soon :)

It's A Different World...Than Where I Come From

Don't ask me what I was doing as a 7 year old watching a show about college kids with grown up problems. Bottom line: that was my show!

In the late 80's and very early 90's, the Cosby Show, A Different World, and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air were really the only television shows that I knew of that depicted minorities in an educated and positive light. In addition to the wisdom of my grandmother, mom, and uncles, the shows helped my still small yet developing brain understand that success in life is only achievable by hard work, an education, and pride in one's self and accomplishments.

Not only did these shows show that minorities are and can be educated individuals, it also showed that we were...people! I say this because if you look at television shows prior to the 70's that featured African-Americans and other minorities, we were usually primarily portrayed as maids, criminals, or just always down on our luck.  There was no room for romance, weddings, college degrees, mansions...no room for success. Granted that the lives that the people lived on these shows weren't the lives that my mother and her brothers lived growing up in the exact same era as the stars of these shows, they still gave a sense of hope and a positive image.

Even though I started college some ten years after A Different World went off the air, I still carried the image of what I had seen on that show with me.  If I had to identify with a character, I'd have to say I was a cross between the revolutionary Freddie and the southern-belle Whitley (without the money). I yearned for the undying love of a man like Dwayne and to have the ambitious nature of Freddie (who very much like me changed her mind half way through college about what she desired to be). However, going to an women's, Catholic, liberal arts, university wouldn't necessarily give me all that ...but it was nice to think about anyway!

Anyway, to my point: it's a totally different world than where I came from in the 90's. There are no shows that showcase black universities, or showcase African-American students or young people in positive light. Instead we live in an era of reality piss (yeah I said piss because thats what it is). We live in a world of fast money, a denial of culture, and still a very low achievement gap in schools for minority students.

A lot of young people I come across, are simply passing through when it comes to education.  They know they have to graduate in order to be able to get some kind of job, but are not concerned about their futures as a whole.  They are not aware or do not want to be aware of their impact on the world. Many have given up hope. The sad thing is that many of these same young folks are the ones who has been desensitized by media images of nothingness. They have not been taught their history because it's no longer required or has been absorbed into the whole of American history. While OUR history is American history, it is a history that is filled with so much information, tragedies, triumphs, and glorious lessons that it cannot and SHOULD NOT be relegated to a few chapters in a book. 

That is why A Different World still means so much to me; it was a sitcom but also an educational piece. Where else could you see the drama of a freshman romance unfold while learning about Lena Horne, or the transatlantic slave trade? 

Not to get on my old lady soapbox but I really think that the youth of today could benefit from a show like this now. They are the ones that consume that majority of the media so why not? Maybe then, just maybe, we would see a change in the collective consciousness of the community as a whole. Maybe then we would see the new leaders because as cliche' as it is:They are the future.

It is a different world than where I and my friends come from. At 28, I am beginning to see that what I thought of as progress is nothing if you didn't get it by being a housewife or a rapper. It is sad but not hopeless. 

It just really is...different.

SHARKEISHA, NO, NO, NO!

She’s one of the most googled people on the net and shockingly so, it only took her a week to become a sensation.  The worst thing is that she is not famous but rather infamous…all due to her visiting violence upon another person.

Sharkeisha, no.

I will be honest: I had only seen the deplorable video yesterday. I didn’t even know what a Sharkeisha was until then.  All I knew was that my Facebook friends were constantly making comments about Sharkeisha…how they might have to go Sharkeisha on Black Friday, etc.  I knew it had to be about a person but her name became a verb simultaneously and apparently a symbol of going “hard” being “tough” and fighting. Before I saw the video, I googled the name and received a hit from the Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Sharkeisha) which defined the name as: Char • kee • shuh ) Verb. 1. To Punch The Soul From Another Being's Body. Still I didn’t know what or who Sharkeisha was.  I resolved that maybe it was someone from one of  the reality television shows like Love and Hip Hop, who had gotten into an altercation that became a sensation.  I resolved not to care because I typically don’t entertain those kinds of shows anyhow.

However, when my cousin who was visiting from DC, asked me had I seen the video, I took a peek out of sheer curiosity.  I will not post any links to it here because I was utterly disturbed by what I had witnessed: two young black girls involved in a one sided altercation.  I say one sided because Sharkeisha did all the fighting while someone who obviously has no respect for themselves, their community, or simply doesn’t give a damn, stood by and filmed the ridiculousness.  Simply out for her fifteen minutes of fame, the “friend” only slightly raised her voice to say “Sharkeisha, No!” when she noticed that the assault went from a sucker punch to subsequent punching and lastly a kick to the face of the victim.  Brutality in its greatest proportions for all the world to see.

Sharkeisha, no!Girl with the cellphone camera, NO!

No to the violence first off but no to another woman of color shown in a negative light! No, to another young sister glorifying a stereotype, and no, to immaturity at its finest hour. Lastly, a big HELL NO to a lost generation that does not know their history or the consequences of their actions.

Street fights happen everywhere and much more often in worse magnitudes than what Sharkeisha did to her victim.  However, what I still cannot understand is that even in 2013, the worst images of African-American women still permeate mass and social media.  Even as we have the first African-American First Lady in the White House, an African-American Woman Millionaire who was able to reach across all color lines through her part in the media (Oprah), and countless other powerful and educated women of color making a difference more than ever before, our popularity rests in how brutal we can be, how oversexed we supposedly are, how poor and uneducated we can be, and how well we fit the stereotypes that have been pinned on us for over 500 years.

Sharkeisha and Girl with the cellphone camera…no. The video that was made wasn’t just your fifteen minutes of fame; it was a sell out of your people and now being used as a propaganda device to confirm that black girls are wild and vicious.  Please remember  those that came before you and the struggles they faced fighting so you may even exist.  Lastly, a word on morality; please handle your affairs in private…like a lady.

The Sharkeisha incident is only one of many videos of African-American girls fighting that has been floating on the internet.  However, why are we as a collective community of all races encouraging dysfunction? I will not use this young sister’s name to describe any kind of rage I am feeling; not only is it wrong, she has not become objectified as a thing rather than a person, repeating a vicious cycle that all women, but especially women of color have to deal with everyday of their lives.   However, they only exist because we watch.  Ghandi said “No one can hurt me without my permission.” I believe this is true. The mass and social media outlets can only hurt us if we continue to buy into what we are being fed about ourselves and if we do not do more to control what is being put out there. My thoughts on this: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SPEAK UP! And let us encourage sisterhood!!!

Women of color it’s time to make a bigger noise about how we are portrayed. To the girl in the video who was victimized, stand up!

Sisterhood

I long for sisterhood.  Sisterhood that extends across economic classes, skin tones, languages, cultures, ideas, backgrounds, and lineages.  I know it may be asking a lot; people have different personalities and view points but, wouldn't it be fantastic?

I long for it the most among my "Sistas".  The lack of sisterhood among my Sista's is so apparent. The saddest part is that millions are made off of our lack of concern for each other.  Take for example the various shows like Love and Hip Hop, or The Real Housewives of Atlanta...both shows that showcase us behaving badly.  These shows punctuate the already preconceived stereotypes that even with money, black women can't get along...no matter what we do or have we will only behave in the ways that suit the Jezebel or scandoulous woman.

It is sad to me and maddening when I open my mouth to speak and it is just me and one other "Sista" in the room and I am told that I sound "white" because I am speaking proper English and in and educated fashion. 

It annoys me when a "Sista" tries to shame me because I am wearing my hair relaxed and she wears her natural. It hurts me when my "Sistas" can't seem share in each other's successes without trying to tear the other one down.

I don't understand. Aren't we better than that? Didn't we come up with this whole "Sista" thing? Why can we not exemplify it?

Rise up my SISTA'S. Let us redefine what we started by truly being what we are: beautiful, loyal, smart, strong, and confident women who uplift each other. Would you treat your sister any less?

Dressing for Success

Normally I write about more pressing issues, but today I felt like writing about my second love which is fashion.  I am a firm believer that as the seasons change, we may also be changing our minds about life, and the direction we're going in. This change can be a new endeavor, a new relationship, or even a new job. However, in order to make this change we have not only got to change our mindset and attitudes but other pieces as well. One of the ways that I have found it easier to set my focus, is to change my clothes and style. I know what you're thinking; clothes don't make the man (or woman in this case). But if TLC's What Not To Wear has taught me anything, it's that clothes are an extension of yourself. How you present yourself in the world not only affects how others perceive you but can have an overall affect on your mood and well being. This is why it is important to pay attention to the way you are dressing yourself. Do you sometimes start the day off feeling depressed? Some of us do and yes it may be because you have a crappy job and are not where you want to be. I'm not going to say that changing jobs is a piece of cake but I will say that you can make the best out of your situation. Pay attention to the colors you're wearing: are you someone who is constantly wearing dark hues? This could be contributing to your depression or anxiety! By throwing a pop of color in your outfit, you attitude could improve significantly. Go on and wear that turquoise scarf with those camel or brown pants or pair a little yellow with red! Get your green and purple on!

 If the job is what's got you down, as the saying goes "Dress for the job that you want, not the job that you have." Pay attention to the shape of the clothing that your pick. Is it frumpy or does it play to your curves? What about the fabric? Is it stiff or flowing? Can the hem be taken in or up? Checking simple things like this can make a world full of difference in your outlook; if you feel comfortable in your clothing you will feel more comfortable with anything that comes your way. The same thing goes for break-ups, break downs, bad days, etc. Try a new shade on, pull out that dress that you've been wanting to wear. Try a fun, flirty coral shade for your lips or smoky eyes. Just experiment and watch your perception change to positive thoughts!

Dressing for success doesn't have to be expensive. Look for the bargains! Shopping online is also a great tool for bargain hunting. I highly recommend www.polyvore.com , www.the15dollarstore.com and www.justfab.com for great deals. Below is a collage that I put together for my blog BadVictorian on some snazzy piece pairings:

Dress for Success by alonna-carter featuring a one-button blazer

Balmain silk shirt
mytheresa.com

Dsquared2 blazer
thecorner.com

Blue boyfriend blazer
amazon.com

NIC ZOE knit biker jacket
nicandzoe.com

Trench coat
feeluxury.com

Burberry brown wool coat
stylebop.com

Vero Moda one button blazer
$41 - veromoda.com

Lined jacket
bodycentral.com

Chloé pleated pants
mytheresa.com

Balmain back zip pants
net-a-porter.com

Peplum skirt
$33 - frenchconnection.com

Warehouse body con pencil skirt
$40 - warehouse.co.uk

Plaid trousers
maurices.com

Juicy Couture evening handbag
juicycouture.com

MICHAEL Michael Kors shoulder tote bag
lordandtaylor.com

Francesco Biasia handbag
forzieri.com

Bracelet charm
$9.70 - newlook.com

Susan Caplan Vintage vintage earrings
$265 - johnlewis.com

Forever 21 faux pearl bracelet
forever21.com

Miss Selfridge necklace
missselfridge.com

John & Pearl triangle earrings
$47 - wolfandbadger.com

Just Female metal jewelry
$32 - nelly.com

Vero Moda wrap shawl
$24 - houseoffraser.co.uk

Fat Face crochet scarve
$32 - fatface.com

Lastly celebrate you! Part of dressing for success, is dressing our minds in beauty. Think about the wonderful and unique person you are. Look at your accomplishments and learn from your setbacks. Keep the future in focus and enjoy the beautiful life you have!

Online Dating Etiquette

It's cuffing season...or so says everyone that I know.  I look to my left and my right and suddenly everyone is booed up or getting married.  Meanwhile, I'm again just coasting.

I like being single for the most part, but of course I will admit that this cold weather kicking in is making me wish I had a cuddle buddy.  However, finding one the old fashioned way (bumping into Sexy Joe at the gym, coffee shop, bar etc), just doesn't happen for me. I don't know if its because interested parties are shy or I'm giving off a weird vibe (thinks...). I'm not necessarily wanting a boyfriend ASAP but when I do go looking sometimes, I use the Internet.

It is not a strange thing for me as an modern black woman with an old fashioned attitude, to go looking somewhere like the Internet.  I am nowhere new to the practice...I mean I grew up in the age of computers; my generation being the first to really grasp this whole Internet biz. So I feel comfortable with it.  In fact, the longest relationship I've had to date was with someone I met off the Internet. There is no shame in my game.  However, in this new world of online boo-loving I think there should still be some common sense things that both males and females should abide by:

1) Use your own damn picture! Think about it: If you use someone else's picture and you and your mutual interest decided to meet, chances are they are going to be pissed that you lied.  Furthermore, isn't the purpose of dating in general about finding someone who will like you for you? (I just dropped some knowledge, I know :)

2) Use a current picture. If you're 28, don't use your senior picture from high school. People can kinda guess that's a damn lie.

3) Be real in the "about me" section! An example of a profile gone wrong is a 48 year old man trying to appeal to much younger women by saying that he's a kid at heart because he likes to play on the monkey bars.  He didn't have any kids...so naturally I'm thinking pedophile and ewwwww.....

4) If its about sex...then it is what it is. Say that (in a not so creepy way) in that "about me" section.  Don't waste other people's time with your unknown intentions.

5) It may be a bit redundant but again say what you really want! If you want a cultured man, say it. If you want a woman who takes care of her man, tell it.  

6) When it's all said and done, go out on a real date(IN PUBLIC!!!) and for just this one time in this very high tech, fast paced, world...take it slow. Sometimes being old fashioned when it comes to love yields the best results. :)

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