Online Dating Etiquette

It's cuffing season...or so says everyone that I know.  I look to my left and my right and suddenly everyone is booed up or getting married.  Meanwhile, I'm again just coasting.

I like being single for the most part, but of course I will admit that this cold weather kicking in is making me wish I had a cuddle buddy.  However, finding one the old fashioned way (bumping into Sexy Joe at the gym, coffee shop, bar etc), just doesn't happen for me. I don't know if its because interested parties are shy or I'm giving off a weird vibe (thinks...). I'm not necessarily wanting a boyfriend ASAP but when I do go looking sometimes, I use the Internet.

It is not a strange thing for me as an modern black woman with an old fashioned attitude, to go looking somewhere like the Internet.  I am nowhere new to the practice...I mean I grew up in the age of computers; my generation being the first to really grasp this whole Internet biz. So I feel comfortable with it.  In fact, the longest relationship I've had to date was with someone I met off the Internet. There is no shame in my game.  However, in this new world of online boo-loving I think there should still be some common sense things that both males and females should abide by:

1) Use your own damn picture! Think about it: If you use someone else's picture and you and your mutual interest decided to meet, chances are they are going to be pissed that you lied.  Furthermore, isn't the purpose of dating in general about finding someone who will like you for you? (I just dropped some knowledge, I know :)

2) Use a current picture. If you're 28, don't use your senior picture from high school. People can kinda guess that's a damn lie.

3) Be real in the "about me" section! An example of a profile gone wrong is a 48 year old man trying to appeal to much younger women by saying that he's a kid at heart because he likes to play on the monkey bars.  He didn't have any kids...so naturally I'm thinking pedophile and ewwwww.....

4) If its about sex...then it is what it is. Say that (in a not so creepy way) in that "about me" section.  Don't waste other people's time with your unknown intentions.

5) It may be a bit redundant but again say what you really want! If you want a cultured man, say it. If you want a woman who takes care of her man, tell it.  

6) When it's all said and done, go out on a real date(IN PUBLIC!!!) and for just this one time in this very high tech, fast paced, world...take it slow. Sometimes being old fashioned when it comes to love yields the best results. :)

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To Twerk or Not To Twerk Part 2: Let the Blame Fall Equally

So I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to write an addendum to my previous post on twerking and the black girl. This is not due to negative feedback but more so a sort of evolved thought process that seemingly occurred overnight. If you need a refresher here's the link to the previous post:
http://confessionsofambw.blogspot.com/2013/08/to-twerk-or-not-to-twerk-black-girl.html

In the last paragraph of my post I state "All I am saying is that we need to do better in terms of making sure that the most positive and moral attributes of our culture are the first things that the others strive to imitate."  When I was writing that last line, I did feel it and still do, however I neglected to place the blame equally on all parties responsible.

Last night, when I wrote that last line, I wasn't thinking about history in context.  While I did mention in my post that twerking was an extension of the modern day minstrel show and the misrepresentation of the black woman's so- called sexual prowess, I did not do a good job of explaining why this dance was so visible.  In fact, it may have been perceived that I was blaming sista's solely for perpetuating the stereotypes.  Today I'm more clear headed.

We live in a country that clings steadfast to the past, that is, a past that is riddled with notions of superiority. These misconceptions of the black woman's sexuality are nothing new.  In this society, that is still dominated by racial superiority, it is no small wonder that these images are the more widely noticed and imitated rather than that of the professional and educated black woman.  Why on earth would the media and society want to lift her up when they've been portraying her as lewd, wild, and inferior for so long?

While I stand firm in my opinion that we as black women and people in general should showcase the most positive aspects of our culture and defy stereotypes, we are not solely to blame.  Let the blame fall equally on the powers that be, the media, and the strange legacy of racial degradation that still lives in this country.

To Twerk or Not to Twerk: A Black Girl Ponders

Watching the VMA's on MTV this past week was definitely something new for me.  Even in my short 27 years on this earth, I am an old soul and the constant butt of friends jokes for not being up on the times. While I knew who most of the stars were at the awards, I must admit that I knew them mostly for their antics that made headlines, rather than the hits they produced.

And that brings me to Miley Cyrus and the twerk seen round the world.

Let me get straight to the point: I am not surprised that Miley was twerking.  Given her recent antics and the job she has in an industry that lives off of sex, it did not bother me that she was twerking. What did bother me however, was the black girl she had on stage with her who's butt was obviously padded to look enormous, shaking it "like she at a strip club."

Miley was twerking...so why did it have to be a black girl with a fake butt doing it too? As Miley showed us (albeit awkwardly and with small success) anyone can twerk.  That means that there could have been a white girl, Asian girl, Latina...anybody up there twerking right with her.  Yes, indeed twerking started in Africa, (though it definitely wasn't called twerking and was done for purposes other than to show off a healthy butt), and continued when we were forced to live on these shores.  However, what twerking has become is more as extension of the present day minstrel show and another misrepresentation of the so-called sexual prowess of Black women. It has been essentially shown as that black girl thing....that's how "we" dance (and we all have these jelly asses). It's just sad because it essentially becomes what we're good for. While you may be less likely to find a video of a black woman talking about stocks and bonds and uplifting her people, you can bet your twerking ass that you will find millions of videos of black women twerking or showing you how to do it.

Have I twerked? In the mirror at home, yes :). Surely, when I go out to the club, I'm not two stepping but I'm certainly not out to imitate a stripper either. My mother raised me to know that the most valuable asset is my brain and I should strive to attract with that. This is what I think a lot of young black women need to be reminded of. I think that as a culture we have gotten lax in our thinking.  Fifty years ago, we were striving to fight stereotypes; today it seems that we are rushing to live up to them.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to see someone of another culture admire what we have created. I am not saying that Black women should be ashamed.  All I am saying is that we need to do better in terms of making sure that the most positive and moral attributes of our culture are the first things that the others strive to imitate.

To Be Dark and Enraged (A Rant)

"You're pretty for a dark skinned girl."

It was the third time he said something like that during the conversation and curse words were forming at my lips.

"You're too dark to have Indian blood."

When she said it I was tempted to pull out a book on genetics and smack her in the face with it and also to correct her on the usage of the word Indian. So obsolete and incorrect.

"That can't possibly be my grandchild; she's too dark."

That time I wasn't involved but I couldn't help but stare at this woman in disbelief. She was black and the child was black.  Hue had nothing to do with paternity.

At least this is what I think that most black people and white people should know by now.

As a brown skinned girl, I am on the darker side of the spectrum of African American skin tones. Unfortunately, I was always conscious of it growing up in a family where my maternal side displayed hues more consistent with Africa and my paternal side displaying both hues and features characteristic of European ancestry. While I have always accepted my skin color and was proud, I can't always say that I felt the most confident when people called attention to it.
I never did completely understand it. I mean hello, as people of African descent, didn't we all come from someone darker skinned at some point in our story? It cracks me up that the same people who identify as African-American or "Black" are also the same one's to denounce one of their brethren as too black, too dark, or unattractive due to darker hues and the fear that maybe, just maybe, the ancestor's may be resurrected in the skin color of their child.

On the reverse side, I am often accused of exclusively dating light skinned men because I want my children to be lighter.  That accusation is not even close to right. I cannot help it if my darker skinned brothers do not think I'm worth it because my skin isn't fair, my hair isn't long and straight, and that I do not look ethnically ambiguous.

We can call it self hatred, we can call it Euro-centrism, we can call it the effects of coming from a broken people. However, no matter what we call it, colorism is just plain WRONG.  Never mind the fact that you are disrespecting your own people, you are disrespecting and spitting upon the legacies of those who suffered and died for us to be here.

Judging someone based on the color of their skin, is not just disrespectful...it's just plain idiotic.

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Because Your House Isn't A Date (A short one)

Chivalry is most certainly dead.

Or it could be buried beneath the seat covers of some man's couch.  He misplaced it there when he was trying to find the exact words to say to ask me out. I'm most certainly convinced of this.

As a girl who is pretty attractive (yes I am tootin' my own horn), I can't understand for the life of me why anyone wouldn't want to show me off.  Furthermore, I cannot understand why a grown man cannot understand the danger that he presents inviting a single young woman to his home for the first "date".

Date...right.  Yes, yes, yes. I see now...getting invited to someone's most intimate spot is surely an ideal first date! Being alone with you in your home ensures that nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen. It's not like there's any closets for you to hide me in...no way for you to lock the doors so I can't get out.

No sir. Make mine dinner in public where lots of people can see you.

Your house...is not a date.