It's Different For Everyone

I had the wonderful privilege of attending a friend's wedding in New York this past weekend.  She was married at a lighthouse, in a very intimate ceremony with close family and friends and looked nothing short of a Greek goddess.  As we sat in our seats, hearing the lake crashing against the rocks, and taking in the landscape where Heaven meets Earth, I thought about all the conversations we had had up to this point.

Without revealing too much, (this is called Confessions...not Snitchin'), I remember asking her if she was really sure about him.  They had not courted long at all before he popped the question, and like a good friend...worry was there.
"I know that I can't live him without him," was her reply, and I saw that day in her eyes, the same look that she carried on her face when she said her vows to her new husband last Saturday.  The look was one of urgency; one that said "I really can't live without this man. I love him. He is meant for me, I am meant for him." And lucky girl she is, because he had that same look in his eyes when he said his vows to her.
I found myself analyzing my own views. I am pretty traditional and watch a lot of ID television and Lifetime movies.  I believe you should court for a year to really know a person before even talking about all that stuff and I have been known to run a background check on a mofo. I taught myself, that this was the best way for you to really know them.
But I have now known at least 2 friends who have gotten married a year into knowing their beaus. At max, it was 6 months before the gents popped the question.  My goal is to get married someday, and I find myself wondering, could I be swayed to drop my year courtship rule if Mr. Awesome came
along?  I mean I am not getting younger, and I'd still like to have a child someday.
And then I thought to myself, "Where the hell did you get that rule anyway? Why is a rule, and who told you it was a rule?"

I don't know.  But I guess it's one of those things I call myself using to protect myself from potential heartbreak and in truth, we all have things like that to preserve ourselves.  The problem is that in trying to protect ourselves, we often build walls so high that we can't see what's out there and no one can get in.

As I watched my girl and her man, say "I do", I realized that the only reason we were all sitting there, was because they both decided see what was on the other side and not be afraid of getting a little bumped and bruised. As the saying goes, "When you know, you just know." And there's no set of rules that fits every scenario, because love happens differently for everyone.

United We Stand

So, I was going to start this blog off talking about all the unholy shit that has gone down over the past few days.

You know: Racist people killing folk, racist leader applauding racist folk, terrorists killing folk...alt right-ers (still racist) threatening to come to my city, statues coming down (should they, shouldn't they?), how the world is going mad...and there's an eclipse...

That stuff.
But I decided that I could jaw all day long about how messed up things are, and it wouldn't make a difference.  I don't need to tell anyone that the world is super messy right now: they can see it, hear it, and feel it.  Some of us, have been living in this dystopia longer than others for reasons that make absolutely no sense under the Law of God but...here we are. No amount of bitching will fix that.  Only human intelligence and compassion can.

I am going to talk about how beautiful people are, instead.  How communities that seemed severed, were brought together in the wake of unspeakable violence.  How pastors stood on the front lines and linked arms.  How people came from near and far to honor a woman who died for the cause of peace, tolerance, and acceptance. How a mother, stricken with grief, was able to muster some sort of Godly strength to celebrate her beautiful child.  To Heather Heyer, we all say thank you for everything.

What I have seen over the last few days, is something that people would say wouldn't happen in a time like this.  I saw people coming together: all colors, all ethnicities, denominations...each consoling the other. I heard songs of joy and hope.  I heard "I will keep you safe."

The actors of Saturday, weren't counting on this.  They were counting on strife, derision, and division.  They thought that terror would drive us further apart and send us fleeing from each other.  They thought we would not trust each other. Of course the surprise is on them. 150 years ago, we fought a war to bring us back together in a "more perfect union."  Did they seriously think anyone would want to do that shit again? Nah, we're good.

In my previous post, I lamented the irony of a United States that was not so united. However, I am seeing through the struggles to be on the right side of history, we become united and bonded even more. I'm not going to tell you that everything is fine or that the nonsense is over, but I am going to say that if we stick together, we can make it through anything.

Don't let them win.

About Saturday

Unless you've been under a rock this weekend, then you probably know about what happened in Charlottesville, Virginia.  If you really don't, for whatever reason, then I'll recap it : White supremacists (lower cased on purpose), attacked counter protesters.

As a result, three people died. My thoughts and prayers are with the families of the young woman and the two officers that were killed.

THIS SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

The imagery from Saturday is like being thrown in a time machine and transported back to the 60's.  The ugliness of human kind was on full frontal display. Though ugly and gritty, the truth was also on display; the truth about America and how hate is still dividing a country that is ironically named "The United States of America."

It is easy to say, we will not let hate win.  It is easy to condemn the attacks and the acts of evil and hate filled men and women.  But beyond condemnation, what else can we do? What else will we do? We witnessed a nightmare, but we've had this same nightmare before.  It is recurring, and each time seems to become more real and more violent.  With each replay of the nightmare, some of us wake up.  Others remain sleeping, telling ourselves that it won't happen again but..it always does.  Then, when it's over, we pretend like it didn't happen and go on with our normal routine.

But how many more times does the nightmare have to play out before we realize that there is a problem with the American psyche? That we need help? That something has to change? That we need to fix this?

The first step is admitting that you have a problem...

However, when "leaders" cannot admit there is a problem, then the problem persists.  It will continue to grow and grow, until it is a monster that consumes us all.  So when leaders fail, we the people, take matters into our own hands.

We will continue to fight back and beat back any form of oppression. We will continue to stand for liberty, equality, and justice.

And we will win.

I Said No!

I recently had to break things off with a guy that I  had been seeing just over the course of a month.  At first it seemed promising; we had good conversations and went interesting places.  He had the brains and looks, his own place, and he was well traveled. Sounds great, right?  However, things turned tricky when he wanted to move into a sexual phase of our relationship.  I was still filling him out as a potential, but by the second date he was already sharing his plans to bed me , which made me  uncomfortable.

I asked him to slow down. I explained to him that I was a slow-mover and that I didn't do anything until I was ready. He said he understood but the advances kept coming and I grew even more uncomfortable and uncertain.  He was intense, and while I like my men, to be a bit aggressive, there are boundaries that need to be respected for any relationship to move forward.
  On our last date, when he went in for a kiss, I couldn't. I turned my head, only to have him in my face trying to force me to kiss him, and ask why I wasn't "showing him love." I asked him to only kiss my cheek but he remained close to my face, in attempt to make me turn my head so I would kiss him inadvertently. I didn't. This went on for nearly 5 minutes outside a restaurant, where tons of people were watching. I was both mortified and incensed.  I had told him no several times and he had ignored me.

I stewed over this for a few days, before deciding that I could not continue seeing a person who did not value my personal requests. Refusing a kiss might seem ridiculous to some, but when someone doesn't respect your person, this is a RED FLAG.  An aggressive approach to the word "No," might be a tell-tale indicator of something more troubling...or even potentially dangerous.  Coming from a family where some female family members have experienced physical and sexual abuse by their spouses has taught me to look for the warning signs early on and to not think twice.

The moral of the story; there are two: 1) No always means NO, no matter the circumstance and 2) if something doesn't feel right, run...don't walk away!

Be Safe. Be Informed. Be Strong!