"Why did I do that?"
I shook my head to the air. I vowed I would weigh myself in the morning just to see if the scale budged a bit. This was the first time I had been below 200 lbs in six years and I was determined to keep it that way.
Though I had indulged, no all that was left was disgusting, dry, after taste in my mouth. I thought about throwing up and being...one of those girls.
I had just eaten four vanilla cupcakes with white frosting...in five minutes.
This was not the first time I had done something like this; in the past it was an 8" Carvel Ice Cream cake complete with sprinkles. Other times it was an entire bag of lays. On worse days, it could be a six pack of cupcakes, some fried chicken, and surprisingly a diet Pepsi (Like that helped). But it had been a long time since I felt like I needed to eat like this. I had been on an exercise regimen that included 3 days of Zumba and an aggressive ab workout. I had come too far to turn back now.
But then again, I was in the middle of a rigorous grad school program, working full time, trying to figure out why a guy wouldn't take me out, tired of being broke, tired of being treated like an inferior, and seriously...seriously contemplating driving to Maryland one weekend and just winging it. The culmination of events was forcing me into escape mode...but I had nowhere to turn. Even if I ran away, I had nowhere to live and had a brand new car to pay for. How could I do that with no money?
I stared silently at the cupcake package. Left over icing was sticking to the top, and even though I started to feel that old, familiar pain radiating from my gull bladder...I wished there was more. More comfort food so I could just focus on that for a moment. However, as hard as I stared, I couldn't make the cupcakes reappear. I couldn't let go of all my stress either. Suddenly, I was lying in the middle of my bed, half blinded by tears that were rolling down my cheeks.
I went on like that for about twenty minutes, berating myself for the cupcakes, belittling myself for the guy who didn't care to take me on a date, hating myself for not saving smarter when I was an undergraduate, and wishing that I could fly to Maryland overnight like Peter Pan.
Twenty minutes of tears, hatred, and frustration turned into prayer, discernment, and then finally understanding. Even though I didn't want to admit it, I was stressed...and doing and worrying about way too much. I needed to take a step back; figure out why all this stuff was getting to me...get rid of the stuff that really didn't matter.
I came to conclusion that I was almost done with school and had been pushing so hard this long that I could continue doing so. I realized that finishing grad school was a gateway to my life in Maryland, that my inferiority complex was collectively my own as well as certain professionals who tried to pigeonhole me into a stereotype, and that the dude who didn't want to take me on a date but to his house could kick f****king rocks. I knew that I couldn't correct my money mistakes in the past but could try harder to be frugal now so...I could definitely make that move in a few months.
I also realized that that would be the last time I choked down four cupcakes...or anything like that ever again.
Ever Again.
I'm not saying it's easy but we must come to a point where we recognize the problem is within us and we are the only one's who can change this. Though we may think it is ever the condition in life, stress is an option. If you feel that it is inevitable, stress about what actually matter as opposed to the trivial things in life.
Free yourself from the cupcakes!!!!
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